23rd Sunday in Ordinary Time – A

In this Sunday’s Gospel, Jesus gives us some very practical advice about dealing with conflict:

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.” (Matthew 18:15)

It sounds simple enough. But it is often one of the hardest things to do.

When someone hurts us, says something about us, treats us unfairly, or does something seriously wrong, our first reaction may be anger. And when we are angry, instead of going to the person involved, we often go to everyone else.

“Do you know what he did to me?”

“You won’t believe what she said.”

“Look how badly I was treated.”

Before long, something that began between two people has been shared with five, ten, or twenty others.

And nothing has been solved.

In fact, the situation is usually worse.

Go to the Person

Jesus gives us a very different approach: go to the person privately.

Why privately?

Because sometimes what appears to be a serious offense is actually a misunderstanding. Perhaps we misunderstood what was said. Perhaps we did not know all the circumstances. Perhaps the other person had no idea that what he said or did had hurt us.

A simple, honest conversation can sometimes clear up in five minutes what days or weeks of anger and resentment never could.

Speaking privately also protects the dignity of the other person. Most people react much more calmly when they do not feel that they are being publicly attacked, embarrassed, or humiliated.

And perhaps the person really did do something wrong. A private conversation gives him the opportunity to explain, reconsider his actions, apologize, and make things right.

It also gives us an opportunity to listen. We may discover that there is another side to the story.

How many problems between husbands and wives, parents and children, brothers and sisters, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and fellow parishioners could be resolved if we simply took the words of Jesus seriously?

The Damage Done by Gossip

There is another reason Jesus’ advice is so important.

When we immediately begin telling others about someone’s faults, we can easily fall into gossip and detraction.

The Catechism teaches that detraction occurs when, without an objectively valid reason, we disclose another person’s faults and failings to people who did not know them.

Everyone has a right to his good name and reputation. Once we damage someone’s reputation, that damage can be very difficult to repair.

Gossip also has a way of spreading.

One person tells another. That person tells someone else. Details are added, circumstances are forgotten, and before long people who had nothing whatsoever to do with the original disagreement have formed opinions and taken sides.

Walls begin to go up.

Resentment grows.

Trust disappears.

And reconciliation becomes much more difficult.

This can destroy friendships. It can divide families. It can poison workplaces. And, sadly, it can do tremendous damage within a parish or other community.

The Christian Way Is Different

The Gospel calls us to something better.

Christianity is not only about reconciliation between ourselves and God. The grace we receive from God should change the way we treat one another.

We are called to forgive.

We are called to love.

We are called to seek peace.

And whenever possible, we are called to heal the hurts and divisions that arise between us.

That does not mean pretending that nothing happened. Jesus does not tell us to ignore wrongdoing. In fact, He specifically tells us to address it.

But He tells us how to address it.

Go to your brother.

Speak honestly.

Speak privately.

Listen.

Give him an opportunity to explain.

Give him an opportunity to apologize.

And give reconciliation an opportunity to begin.

The next time someone hurts us, before we pick up the telephone, send a text, post something online, or tell someone else what happened, perhaps we should remember the words of Jesus.

And remember one simple rule:

It is better to talk with a person than to talk about them.